the truth, the frustration

ok. i have lots of feelings inside me right now. just talked back to my father, again. sighs. he's still the same. worrying too much. man, if only he understands that everyone grows up. and at a certain age, he or she will start to control his or her life. for me, it's my life. get it into his mind, i am 16 years old this year. i know what is right and what is wrong. i am able to take care of myself, so, STOP WORRYING! open your worrying mind, man! also, if you cant stop worrying, that doesnt mean you can stop me from going my way?! what's wrong with going out to celebrate the count down with your friends? i dont see why other families can allow their children to go out late at night, or stay over at some friend's house, and my parents, only one "worried", and stop us from doing that. it's not as if my friend's parents do not care or are not concerned about their own children? they equally care and worry about them. but what can they do? stop them, chain them at home? ban them from their freedom?! what nonsence is this? if they want to worry so much, no one can stop them. but dont they ever stop me from leading my own life.

so, went out with vt and rl today. met vt first. she needed to collect her pay at sim lim square. so, since i dont want to stay at home doing nothing, and hearing my father's irritating rants, i decided to go out with her. going anyway is better than staying at home now. it's almost every day my father will shout or scold someone. please, get a life man! stop being so bias. stop thinking that everyone purposely wants to make you worry. aarh. i'm not going to start harping about him again. once started, it's hard to stop. anyway, after collecting vt's pay, started wandering around. went to bugis, finally bought my bleach. yes! tonight i can read book 2 and 3. i bought book 11 in japan. it's all in japanese, so i cant really read it. but i may be taking up japanese language, so, by that time, i'll be able to read it. heheh. after that, met rl after quite a long time. went to tangs to meet her. sighs. why cant she be punctual?

so, tomorrow i'll be going to rl's house to do the count down. because of what my father said, i am not able to go their feeling excited or happy. damn it.

sighs. went to east coast yesterday. had lots of fun. for how many days, it's finally all of us are able to make it, and go cycling together. i felt great that day, although the rain kind of made the whole cycling session delayed. it was quite cheap. $5 for the entire day. what else can be cheaper and more worth it than that? haha, the guy who 'entertained' us, started using the bassskkkkeeettt word. what's so fun about making basket sound like that bad word. anyway, it was really funny. heh. i was trying to hide from vt's camera. sighs. it's not that i'm camera shy, it's just that i dont wish to be taken. i dont know the reason, but maybe i just dont feel like 'opening' myself to them. i dont know if i can trust them, but i really wish i have people i can trust. people like sp, she's really one true friend. i thank god for letting me get to know her. she tells me the truth, and i can talk about anything to her. their no limits in the conversation between the both of us. too bad she's not in my clique. her parents are controlling her, not giving her the freedom to live. sighs. i pity her at times. however, their are people who i really dont know what they feel or think. for example ss, she gives me the feeling that she is your friend, but sometimes, she's just too far away from me. as if i dont even know who she is. she just keeps on changing? maybe i'm not use to adjusting to changes. sighs. this can be one of my goals next year. but at least she bothers to reply to my emails, and my card. i sent 9 christmas cards, and i only got back 2. from sp and ss. sighs. where did the others go? did i waste my time and effort for nothing? sighs. sometimes, i really want to be able to read people's mind, to know how they are feeling, and hope i can help them out in things.

some people say i'm a quiet, submissive, introvert freak. but let me tell each and every one of you, you have not seen the other side of me. should i call it, the ugly side of me. maybe it's because i find it too ugly, i'm too embarressed to show it in front of all of you. say whatever you want. hypocritical?! i dont give a damn, really. sometimes, i really just want to be myself. vt asked me how do i be myself, how do i find myself? i cant give her a answer. sighs. i think being myself is just not trying to act like someone or something that you want to protray yourself to people around you. am i making sense? heh. if you dont get it, forget it then.

everyone ask me how's the japan trip, and that was when i realised that i dont know how to answer them at all. if i say it was fun, i will be half lying. if i said it was boring, i'll also be lying. so, i have no idea how to explain my feelings to them. ha! maybe that can also be one of my goals in life. heh. now searching myself, the goals i want to make next year. so, back to the point. i dont wish to be oblige to show that i loved the japan trip. or that i have or must buy a present back for all of them. get this people, if you're not happy with the things i get for you all, you can always give it back to me. i will gladly recieve it with both palms open widely. please, be more sensitive. when you recieve a gift, it means that the person who gives you one, actually thought about you, even though you're not with her. so, do not complain that the gift is small, or cheapskate. it's the thought that counts. if you cant get this into your brain, i think that you're really shallow and materialistic. let me state an example of someone being materialistic. there's one super duper perfect example. that is none other then the infamous and legendary AT(you should know who i'm talking about, sp) hahaha. i'm sorry, but i seriously dont see any outer or inner beauty in her. i dont know why is there a person like her on earth. dear god, please enlighten me.

actually i wanted to talk more about the japan trip. what happen during the visits and so on. but, i dont have the mood to do so now, thanks to my father. arh...i need a break from him man.