dissapointed

wow, its been a long long time since i last blog
its my crucial year this year
i am supposed to be studying real hard now
but obviously, there's always a time for break
sighs. nothing can explain how i'm feeling now
after reading what she wrote there
i was shocked. i was stunned at what she said.
i knew that we were drifting further apart
but i didnt know what to do.
this year we practically did not speak much to each other
walked past, but only gave a smile.
gradually, it became invisible
no smiles, no eye contact
jus walk past each other
pretending the other didnt exist
then, today, came across something she wrote
and i became speechless.
"i saw her grin when i lost. so this is the type of friendship that i treasured for 3 years. i wasted my time. guess its gone. i hope so. its too superficial. too fake. i cant take it. she's not even worth my saying bye"
who was she refering to?
was it refering to me?
why? how did this happen?
these were the first questions that came into my head
it was as if a huge heavy hammer knocked into my head
and woke me up from the fantasy-like dream i always imagined
is our friendship over?
one thing i'm very sure of
i dont want it to be over
i want it to continue, to last, till as long as possible
but its just slipping away like water cupped in my hands
will it ever come back again?
why must this happen?
i'm lost now. i have no idea what's going through her mind
or should i say, their minds?
does it apply to the whole group of them?
does one represent all.
after the times we spent, the ordeals we went through together
just let it me washed away in the rapids?

i will never forget the first time we met
how we introduced one another
they happy, funny, sad, hard times we shared together
it will always be there, in my mind
this is different from what i experienced
there isnt any point in revenging
just broken.
maybe its partly my fault
i didnt try to save this friendship
i just left it there, hoping it would mend by itself
sighs. but instead it faded away

maybe after the 'o's, i will do something about it
clarify with them? ask them what's wrong?
(although i think they may not even want to hear my voice)
was i too childish? too dumb?
not compatible enough?
anyway, i'm just gonna try my best for the 'o's
get somewhere, then move on
if they wouldnt accept it, there's nothing else i can do about it
no point moaning and reapproach myself
i find it useless
now its whether there's any point giving them those things i made
and should i return the efforts that took to make me touched?
sighs. why must this always happen unto me?
just wish for a better year.